


Says She Talks to Angels

by ronqueesha



Series: My Warrior [1]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/F, Infidelity, at least emotional infidelity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-02-27 09:43:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13245591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ronqueesha/pseuds/ronqueesha
Summary: Dying did not hurt Commander Shepard. Living does.During the hunt for the Collectors, Liara T'soni rejects Jane Shepard. Too many years gone, too much changed between them for the Asari to pretend their romance could continue like before. Fortunately, the comforting ear of Kelly Chambers can offer Jane some answers.And maybe something more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was something I originally posted on my tumblr as a stream of consciousness bout of inspiration. It's also a headcanon I've hinted at in things like "Rest Now, My Warrior", but never fleshed out into prose. Liara's breakup during Mass Effect 2 is less emotionally charged than Kaidan or Ashley's, but it's probably no less painful to a devoted Shepard. Especially because it's so subtle and inhuman, in a way. 
> 
> If you'd like to continue imagining these characters having a perfect storybook romance, it's probably best to turn away from this. But if you've been a fan of my works for the last couple years, you should know that's not how it works in this series.

The lights in Shepard’s quarters had all been deactivated, save the glow from the giant empty fish tank on the wall and the holographic monitor in front of her. Even the pinpricks of light from the stars in the window dimmed as they peeked into the small space. The only noise came from the tiny shuffles of the hamster as it made itself comfortable in its darkened cage. The recycled air hung cold and heavy, almost too frigid for her tastes. But Cerberus regulations said this was the ideal temperature for deep space operations, so she left it alone.

The Normandy’s commander sat at her desk in an overstuffed chair that masqueraded as office furniture, fingertips drifting up and down her left cheek. There were new sensations there now, very alien from what she used to know. Unnatural cracks and lines had been hewn into her pale freckled flesh. Deep and ugly scars that dug into her, sometimes showing the innumerable synthetic implants that helped keep the first human Spectre alive these days. They didn’t hurt, not really. But they  _ached_. They ached in a way Shepard understood to be all in her head, but that didn’t make the pain any less real.

As she drew her fingers up and down the jagged lines in her flesh, she swore she felt something come with her digits. Fluids, blood perhaps, or maybe synthetic oil, that stuck to the skin on her fingers like she were dipping her hand into an open wound. But every time her brain demanded she clean her hand on her shirt, nothing came off.  

Doctor Chakwas said the scars left behind by Miranda’s… procedure (Resurrection, dammit! She didn’t know why people seemed so afraid to call it what it was) would heal in time. So long as Jane kept her thoughts positive and her mind focused on healing.

Fat fucking chance of that.

Shepard sat at her desk, idly stroking her cragged cheek, as she stared at the latest message from the one person she knew could make her thoughts better, and maybe help fix this discomfort on her face. Too bad her hopes were crushed yet again by the contents of the screen.

It was a letter from the office of Liara T’soni, routed from Illium to a dozen other systems and finally back to the Normandy. Countless proxy accounts and other security suites made sure no one could track the source of the information, and kept the Asari’s information as private as possible in a galaxy full of extranet hacking and information trading. But although the message was from Liara’s office, the words contained within were not from the Asari herself.

No, because Liara had stopped responding to Shepard’s desperate pleas. Instead, every time Shepard sent a new message, begging Liara to reconsider, to give them another chance to talk like they used to, all she received in return was an automated “Your message has been received” response… and nothing else.

Jane’s heart had thudded against her ribs the moment she first disembarked on Illium. And when the Asari at the docks said that Liara had paid for all the Normandy’s fees and taxes so they could come and go at will, she almost burst with joyful laughter. Everything she had done up to that point was to find Liara again. She had listened to the Illusive Man babble, she had saved people, and she had even delved into the galaxy’s armpit just for this chance to reunite with Liara. Hell, the first coherent words out of her mouth when she realized she was awake after experiencing two years of painless oblivion had been to ask Jacob Taylor about Liara’s whereabouts.

And then she found Liara in her office, threatening people with the same violent words her indoctrinated mother had used, and vowing revenge on a shadowy threat Shepard didn’t even think existed. Until that point, everyone who said two years had passed since Shepard last walked the galaxy had been ignored or humored, but not believed, not really. The moment Liara turned around in her long dress, with darkness lurking behind a stony expression, Shepard finally understood the truth. Two years gone. So much lost.

But in that moment, Jane didn’t care. Instead, she dropped all pretenses of being a professional soldier. Hell, she forgot she was under the constant judgmental eye of Miranda Lawson. She rushed forward like a child toward a pile of birthday presents and wrapped her arms around the one person in the galaxy that meant a damn to her.

Liara had pulled away, and shook her head when Shepard tried to initiate a brief and familiar kiss on her blue lips. That was what it took for Shepard to snap back to the reality of the situation, and allowed courtesy to take over again. Her cheeks burned with shame as Liara invited Shepard’s companions into their office and they talked business.

That was  _all_  they talked about.

It didn’t matter how many times she tried to bring up their relationship. When they had a brief moment alone after Miranda excused herself, Liara only talked about the friend she had lost, not Shepard. When they had company, Liara spoke about the mission to stop the Collectors. Not a word passed between them discussing what had happened during the hunt for Saren, or the blissful weeks afterward.

And now Liara had stopped responding to her messages. Illium sat forty thousand light years in another direction, across an entire galaxy. The Normandy drifted through cold space on its endless errands for Cerberus and their masters. One day soon, they would jump through the Omega 4 relay and end the Collectors once and for all. And Jane Shepard would be alone.

She did not know how long she stared at the automated response. She only knew the strange oily sensation that came from her cheeks and the growing tension in her legs as she sat on the too-comfortable chair. She only needed to move her eyes a half-millimeter to see the clock at the edge of the display and confirm what ungodly hour she had stayed up while staring at this collection of words and numbers. But she chose not to.

Jane Shepard sighed and reached up to deactivate the monitor.

“Commander? I hope I’m not disturbing you.” The almost unbearably cheery voice of Yeoman Kelly Chambers echoed through the near-silent cavern that Shepard’s quarters had become. Shepard grumbled as the noise cut into her ears. She had forgotten to instruct EDI to block all incoming comms.

The sound gave her just the distraction she needed to actually complete the motion, and Shepard’s hand shut deactivated the offending holographic display. The darkness that followed almost swallowed her whole.

“It’s just… it’s time for the, uh, meeting you talked about.” The Yeoman continued over comm system. Shepard’s groan came to a halt as she remembered. Until yesterday, Chambers had been utterly professional with Shepard in every conversation. She had made it clear that her background with mental health was to ensure the crew remained in perfect shape during this impossible fight. She[ard also had no illusions that her reports went right to the Illusive Man’s desk. Kelly was just one of a million set of eyes trained on Commander Shepard, just like the security cameras, EDI, Jacob, and Miranda. The eyes of Cerberus that ensured their latest asset did as she was told.

But yesterday, Shepard opened her big mouth and said that an informal meeting with Kelly was just what she needed. Something… more than a simple counseling session. Something simple and exclusive between two people with a desperate need to blow off steam. _Something without Liara_. Maybe it was breaking protocol between doctor and patient, between commanding officer and subordinate. But nothing about the Collector mission had exactly followed protocol so far.

And Kelly had agreed. In fact, she thought the idea sounded nice.

Shepard glanced to the empty space that used to hold the blank automated message from Liara, then toward the door of her quarters.

She thought it sounded nice, too.


	2. Chapter 2

Kelly waited for Jane at the center table of the Normady's galley, fingers folded together in front of her hips and an apprehensive smile on her face. A smile that lit up when she watched Jane turn around from the lift. 

"Commander!" She beamed. 

"Kelly." Jane smiled back. She hadn't referred to the Yeoman as "Miss Chambers" for months, at her insistence. And now the name rolled off her tongue like the most natural thing in the world. 

The other woman dashed up to meet Jane and wrapped her arms around her in a brief, platonic hug. It just took a moment for Shepard to reciprocate. In her line of work, someone embracing you often meant they were trying to shove a knife into your back, or they were holding on for dear life as a planet exploded around them. She let out an appreciative noise as she closed her eyes and held Kelly tight against her. The warmth of Kelly's body against the cold of the ship's internal atmosphere felt unexpectedly pleasant, and part of Jane's mind begged her to not let go. 

But the embrace didn't last, and Miss Chambers was the first to step back. The grin had not left her expression, however. "You have no idea how long my last duty shift felt. I've been looking up at the CIC's chronometer every five seconds for the past three hours." 

"I can imagine." Jane said as she walked the few steps, side by side with Kelly, to the large table in the galley's center. They sat down on opposite sides. 

Shepard watched as Kelly got comfortable in the seat, wriggling her hips back and forth until the synthetic fibers adjusted to her preference. Her arms likewise shuffled back and forth. It was not a behavior Liara had ever done. The Asari had always had a grace to her, a way of making herself mold into her environment that always seemed so effortless. Other Asari did it, too. That ethereal way of movement that simultaneously owned a space, yet was just a part of it. So inhuman. So wonderful to watch...

No. Stop that. _Concentrate on Kelly._

Shepard forced herself to stop thinking of Liara. Instead, she looked up toward the lights above them, calibrated to a shade and frequency meant to induce maximum comfort and familiarity. The room where all meals were served was supposed to be a good place, after all. And subtle psychological manipulation, even in the lighting, was paramount on a vessel intended for a suicide mission. Jane told herself she was comfortable. 

"So." Chambers began as soon as she reached some sort of comfort equilibrium with her seat. "What did you want to talk about first?" 

"I thought we weren't gonna do that here." Shepard replied as she looked back into Kelly's eyes. The strange lights obscured their color somewhat, but she could still see the green in there. Green like hers. How strange that in a galaxy full of diverse humans, Kelly and Jane would have so many similarities between them. Hell, even Kelly's hair was a shade of red very similar to Jane's. The only real difference being the Yeoman's was streaked with blonde, while Jane's had a dark, almost black shade to her natural crimson. 

Maybe another form of manipulation? Did the Illusive Man choose this particular Yeoman specifically because of their physical similarities? Did he think Jane would connect best with someone who looked like her? Or did he think she needed a counterpart to remind her of her humanity, especially after losing it for two years? Perhaps his motivations were even darker. What if he assigned Kelly to this position so she would forget Liara and choose someone physically and genetically compatible for romantic engagements? Someone HUMAN. At its core, Cerberus was a human supremacist movement after all. 

Did it matter? 

"We can't just sit here and not talk, Commander." Chambers retorted. "I don't know about you, but I can't share a meal with a good friend in silence. It just doesn't feel right."

"Oh. Uh..." Jane trailed off, her mind suddenly blank except for thoughts of Kelly's hair. Imagining it draped over her shoulder, or wet out of a shower, begging to be brushed and cared for. Not like an Asari crest at all, which remained stiff and rigid no matter what happened to it. She stared into the other woman's emerald eyes, so very different from the deep blue she had used to know.  "Did... did you hear about the new engine couplings?" She blurted out. A picosecond later, a rush of heat drenched her cheeks. 

Kelly's grin turned into a contemplative frown as she considered the Commander's question. "No. I don't think I've actually been able to read any of the engineering reports. Besides, all that technical stuff just makes my eyes go fuzzy. One reason I chose a career in mental health was so I could avoid all that math." 

"Yeah, that sounds nice. Wish I could have done that." As a (former) officer in the Alliance Navy, Jane's academy days had been filled with attending and passing several college courses on different subjects, many of them math related. It had been a special kind of hell for a kid born and raised on the streets with no real formal education beyond GED classes administered to her while she served a brief prison sentence. 

"No way! Don't tell me that the great Commander Shepard has a weakness!" Kelly's grin returned so harshly that she brought her slender fingers to her mouth in a steeple pattern. "I would have never guessed in a million years that it was math homework!" 

"Just don't go spreading the word around, okay?" Jane shot back as she relaxed into her seat. "I've got a reputation to keep."

"Yes, ma'am." Kelly gave a mock salute before letting out a brief giggle.

_And it was the most wonderful sound Jane had heard in months._

More than Liara's voice, more than the thrum of a new Normandy's engines, even more than the familiar twinge of Garrus's voice through the translator. Jane had made someone laugh, and that lifted almost all of the burdens on her heart. She wasn't known as the most jovial of Commanders, hell she had made an entire career off her ability to remain calm and professional even in the face of gunfire and screaming politicians. So every time Jane Shepard made a woman laugh, she knew it was genuine. She knew it meant something. 

She also couldn't remember the last time Liara laughed at one of her lame jokes or awkward attempts at flirting. Even when two years of memories seemed like the blink of an eye to her, she could not recall a single instance. 

"Kelly, do you wanna get out of here? Maybe go up to my cabin?" She leaned forward and asked, all hints of shame and propriety evaporated. 

"But we haven't even told Gardner what we wanted to eat." The Yeoman protested as she nodded toward the galley's overstocked kitchen and the man running it. "He said he'd make something special just for us." 

"We'll send him a message. Come on." Jane stood, and for a brief moment, she worried Kelly would not comply. Jane hadn't moved this fast in quite some time, and not everyone appreciated being invited to a private bedroom on what might be a "first date". 

But she did. "You know what? Let's go."

The sound of her chair creaking against the polished deckplate was the second most wonderful sound Jane had ever heard. 

 

***

 

After that, there was more heat. And more cold as skin became exposed to the Normandy's air. Jane didn't know who pounced first, but the privacy of the cabin, the darkness of the starlight, and the comfort of the executive couch all combined until two people in desperate need of something were tangled into one another. The mission, the stress, the loneliness, they no longer mattered. This was what life meant to them, and they had finally embraced it. 

Red hair bounced against red hair. Skin touched skin. Lips caressed each other, but did not commit. Not yet, at least. They had a long way to go before they'd get to that stage. Right now, they both seemed to enjoy teasing in the dark, and slowly uncovering each other's boundaries. 

It was so wrong. Doctor and patient. Commander and Yeoman. In a thousand different situations, on a thousand different ships, this would be grounds for immediate dismissal, if not full termination of employment. Right now, neither of them cared. And they didn't care if the Illusive Man was watching. Still, Jane had made sure to order EDI to block all incoming calls this time. 

Kelly's skin was softer than Liara's. It was smooth and pliable, covered in countless near-invisible hairs that all humans had. Not like the scales and irregular patterns of an Asari. She was also warmer than Liara. Humans didn't have the hottest internal temperature of all Citadel species, but they ranked near the top. Kelly was like a furnace compared to the Normandy's temperature, and Jane clung as close as she could. 

Jane pushed her hand up Kelly's back, under the white Cerberus uniform shirt. It all felt so wonderful and so familiar. It brought back memories of other youthful encounters before Liara. Human women who took the famous survivor of Akuze to their bed. Or even before that, teenage girlfriends who might have been schoolyard crushes if Jane had actually attended high school. So very different from the alien sensations and cool roughness of Asari bodies. Her digits brushed against the clasp of Kelly's standard undergarment as she pulled her head back and opened her eyes. 

Even in the darkness of her cabin, with Kelly sitting on top of Jane's lap, she could see her partner's gaze locked on hers. Kelly did not speak, she just nodded her consent before diving back into Jane's neck for another round of teasing and groping. 

It took no effort at all to undo everything, and Jane Shepard plunged into Kelly Chambers with all she had. 

Jane buried her face in the nape of Kelly's neck as she felt the other woman open her lips and do the same for her in the same place. Their bodies began to move as one. Now that Kelly had been freed beneath her clothes, she could feel a set of hands snaking around her back to do the same. Jane did not need to nod, she just let it happen. In response, Jane's fingers moved from Kelly's back to her front, to finally touch what had been concealed. God, it was heaven. Smaller than her memories of the Asari's chest, but that didn't mean anything, not anymore. And the small noises she got from Kelly every time she did something! Tiny and needy, encouraging and experienced. Totally unlike the unsure and demure sounds Liara used to make.  

Kelly bit her. Liara never bit her. Not hard enough to cause damage, but enough to drive all of her attention to the sudden shock of mild pain.  

"Wait." Jane gasped the moment she felt warm hands on her stomach, intent on teasing upward. Kelly recoiled immediately. 

"Is something wrong?" 

"No... no." She said as she looked into her partner's dusk-hidden eyes. "I mean... I don't think so." She felt her hands move away from Kelly's breasts as she did so, and instinctively rubbed her palms as if she had touched something she shouldn't have. 

"If you're feeling uncomfortable, we can stop." Kelly smiled. Even in the black of the cabin, Jane could see the warm and reassuring expression. "Please don't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to." 

Those professional words came out of Kelly's mouth like she had said them a million times. And in her line of work, she probably had. 

Jane DID want to continue. Her mind was filled with nothing but images and fantasies of what was about to happen. Hell, she imagined a future after the Collectors were dealt with, and she walked with Kelly down one of the more upscale wards of the Citadel, arm in arm, paying no attention to all the people and aliens who watched the two red heads enjoy each other's company. 

But sometimes, in those visions, half of the red turned blue. 

"I just need a minute." Shepard said as she freed her hands from under Kelly's shirt and rubbed her eyes. No. She needed this right now. Liara was no longer here. She'd never be here again. 

"Of course." The counselor said as she slipped off of Jane's lap and sat by her side. Jane watched as Kelly slipped her bra out from her shirt and gently placed it away from her. Yes! That was what she needed! 

Right?

Kelly placed her hand on Jane's shoulder, the same motion she used in all of their professional sessions. "You know, I won't even pretend to know what you're going through, Commander. Everything you've seen and done. Everything that's been done to you by all the bad guys out there. But can I tell you something?"

"Jane." Shepard responded.

"I'm sorry, what?" 

"Call me Jane, please." She said as she turned to the other woman. "Just call me Jane." 

"Okay... Jane." Kelly said as if she spent a moment struggling with the simple name. The truth was, so few people had ever used it that she almost forgot what it sounded like. Years of her professional career had been spent without her hearing the name spoken out loud at all. Not even her good friend in sickbay, Doctor Chakwas, wanted to say it. People needed to put their heroes on pedestals, and the easiest way to put Commander Shepard on one was to deny the fact she was a human being. A human being with a first name. 

The last person who said it was Liara T'soni, two years ago. 

Two years gone. 

She was gone. 

"Jane, can I tell you something?" Kelly Chambers continued. This time, her hand moved from Jane's shoulder to her hand. Their fingers intertwined almost immediately. 

"Yeah." 

Kelly smiled again. "You are probably the strongest person I've ever known. To come back from so much, just to jump back into the fray like nothing ever happened. I don't think any other person in the galaxy, human, Turian, Volus, or even Asari, could have handled it. But you did. And I'm awed every single day to be at your side. It may be a small thing, but I love having Jane Shepard so close to me. It makes me feel like we can accomplish anything."

Jane didn't realize she had tears flowing down her cheeks until a drop of the warm salty liquid pooled into one of the jagged scars. The pain it caused was not huge, but it forced her hand to move up and wipe it away before it started to sting in earnest. The way Kelly simply emphasized her real name did more than a million speeches or platitudes ever could have.   

"I've been gone for two years." She whispered. 

"I know. But you're here now. That's what matters. And that's why I'm so proud to be on your crew, right by your side." 

"You don't understand. I wasn't just gone. I was dead. I don't want to be dead anymore." Shepard spoke without thinking. The words came from somewhere other than her consciousness, but from a put deep in her heart. A pit she now realized was just as bruised and battered as her face.

"You're not dead. And right now, I know you're very much alive."

Jane leaned forward and put her lips on Kelly's. 

The yeoman remained still for a moment, probably taken aback by the suddenness of the action. But after everything they had just been doing, and the well of emotions she had just unleashed, Jane prayed she did not send the wrong signal. 

It was not a kiss full of passion and heat. Nor was it a platonic peck of affection. Somewhere in between, Jane Shepard confirmed the fact she was still alive, still human, and still in need of human connection with Kelly's consent. 

They pulled away just a handful of heartbeats later. 

"Wow. That was... really nice." Kelly said as she composed herself. The two of them remained close, their foreheads pressed against each other for another eternity, not moving or blinking as they took in the gravity of what just occurred. The moved away as one, giving each other the space they needed to finish processing the moment. 

"I think I'd like you to stay with me." Jane whispered.  

Kelly responded by wrapping her arms around Jane. "I'd love nothing more than that. But not tonight." She pulled back. "Only because I've got an appointment at oh-six hundred in the morning. That Zaeed sure does keep an interesting schedule." 

"Right. Of course." Jane stammered as she, too, pulled back from the hug. She yet again sat and watched as Kelly gathered her undergarment into her hand and motioned toward the bathroom door. "Do you mind if I use that real fast before going back to my bunk? The crew's ladies room can be a little crowded sometimes." 

"No. Go ahead." A deflated Jane said as she sat back into the couch. 

"Don't give me that attitude, missy." Kelly said with renewed vigor as she stood up, giving Jane an impressive profile view of her body's profile via the fish tank's light. "We're doing this again later." 


	3. Chapter 3

Later never came. Or rather, not in the way Jane hoped it would.

The busy lives of a starship commander and the sole counselor-slash-yeoman left precious little time for Jane to grab Kelly’s attention for more than few moments at a time. If Jane wasn’t putting boots on the ground, aiding civilians, putting down threats, or helping the rest of the crew with their final preparations for the Collectors, she was in her cabin reading endless reports and filling out paperwork demanded of her by her position. It almost seemed as if everyone knew that the endgame was on their doorstep. They had prepared as much as they could, beyond anything Shepard had ever seen before. Every single person on board had the same stoic expression these days, as if they all saw death in the corner of their eyes, and were waiting for it to make a move.

Still, there were spots of light in the darkness. During a brief conversation over sandwiches, Kelly had given Jane her personal extranet address, just in case she wanted to send any messages completely off the record. (and safe from Cerberus eyes) Jane had smiled at how different “KellyGrrl” sounded from her official Cerberus account: “KChambers”. Likewise, Kelly had to stifle a giggle when Jane reciprocated with her own private address: “BestMakoDriver54”.

The messages they sent to one another were not so different from the way they briefly conversed when off duty. A lot of talk about their favorite vids, gossip about the crew that they dare not speak out loud, and hopes for the future. One email Jane saved to her permanent backup was of Kelly telling her how she believed that Jane (Kelly always called her Jane in their messages) was truly the best thing that happened to Cerberus and herself. Kelly had no doubts that their mission to stop the Collectors would succeed only because Jane Shepard was there.

It took three days for Jane to realize she had not sent a single message to Liara.

Ninety-six hours after the encounter in her cabin, the _Normandy_ was contacted by a distant Alliance mining colony. Their environmental systems had failed, and no Alliance vessels were in range to offer assistance. If they weren’t helped immediately, the local star’s energy output would certainly kill the colonists and destroy the machinery.

It had become an old story by this point. The Alliance unwilling or unable to help their own people, and Cerberus picking up the slack. Not just the _Normandy_ , but operations all over the galaxy. Colonies, corporations, even people on the Citadel had flocked to the extranet in the past few months, shouting their praises to the heavens for Cerberus and its brave employees. The Jane of the past, the two-years-dead past, would have been infuriated by this. She had learned first-hand that it was Cerberus that unleashed thresher maws on her and her fellow soldiers at Akuze, all in the name of a sick “experiment”. It was Cerberus that had kidnapped and killed innocent people, mutilated aliens, and spewed human-centric propaganda on every media outlet it could buy. And yet, it seemed like these days, all of those terrible events were from a dream. Or they never happened at all.

If Cerberus had turned over a new leaf, Jane was glad to be a part of it. But a small nagging voice in her mind urged her to consider other explanations. Was this just the first phase of an even larger, more sinister plan?

She didn’t have time to ponder these questions for very long, however. Planning this simple rescue operation took time. As did making sure her gear was in order and maintained. She liked Jacob well enough, but there were things an N7 operative did on her own, especially when it came to her personal equipment.

It was during this brief window of normalcy before the mission that Kasumi spoke up from behind her cloaked veil. “So, you and Kelly, huh? I had a hunch there was something going on between you two.”

Jane grunted as she lifted her rifle from its holding place in the equipment locker. She had learned to not turn and try to face the thief, she’d see nothing but empty air. “None of your business, Kasumi.”

“Hey, I’m not judging. I’ve seen the way you look around her. Makes me glad there’s someone out there who can melt Shep’s heart like that.”

Jane did not say anything, she just sighed.

 

***

 

She returned from the mission to a ghost ship.

No worse, a tomb.

An injured and despondent Joker remained the sole crewmember aboard, and a fully unshackled EDI handled all shipboard functions simultaneously.

The silence that passed through the ship ran like icewater through Jane and her team.

They wasted no time. Ready or not, they were going through Omega-4. This had stopped being a mission of salvation or preservation against the Collectors. No, this had become revenge.

As her vessel, piloted by a man and AI, raced toward the most dangerous mass relay in the galaxy, Jane retired to her quarters. Mandatory sleep for everyone as dictated by Mordin, with sleep aids passed to everyone just in case nerves became too stressed. Fighting while sleep-deprived might as well be surrendering to the Collectors directly. 

But a commander had her duties. Last-minute preparations, reports to triple-check, details to memorize. She sat at her comfortable desk like she had done for countless hours since being returned to life, the fingers of her left hand drifting up and down the scars on her cheek while her right hand tapped at her holographic display. The contents of the floating image had long ago gone blurry to her gaze, swept away by a tide of gnawing drowsiness. Even Jane Shepard had her limits, and they were at the breaking point. 

She blinked the heavy sleep from her eyes and raised her fingers from her face. She tapped her wrist, activating her omni-tool.

Without thinking, Jane opened her private mail service and looked for the latest message from _KellyGrrl_. Usually at this time of night, Kelly sent her something short and light. Maybe a poem she found on the extranet, or a funny picture of a cat. Just a tiny pick-me-up to help Jane through the last hurdle of her mountainous paperwork. It always worked on her, no matter what was sent. 

Oh, right. Nothing.

That’s when her console beeped. A tone she had not heard in weeks.

Because a long time ago, Jane had set her desk console to give that notification only when a single address sent her a message. An address hidden behind several proxies and routed through half the galaxy before it reached her eyes.

She closed her omni-tool and returned to the holographic display.

Just as she thought. The title even read: “I understand you’re going through the relay”.

In her head, Shepard guessed the contents of the message. It would be short, no more than a few sentences. And there would be nothing personal in there, not even her name. Just in case hackers managed to breach her security, of course. No, the message would just be a generalized “good luck” and wishes of good tidings in the mission. Jane went so far as to imagine the writer going to an extranet prompt-filling service so a VI could fill in all the platitudes for her. The remarkably sheltered Asari always had trouble parsing and communicating simple human expressions. There wouldn't even be a heartfelt goodbye at the end, just a 'warm regards' or other meaningless drivel. 

Jane deleted the message without reading it. And then she turned to her side, where a small picture in a simple wooden frame stood. The picture she had made out of physical materials because she wanted a real reminder of what she had been fighting for all this time, not a projection or a twisting holographic display. The same picture that stood even when she invited Kelly to this very room. The picture she looked at every time she used to send a hopeless call into the void.

She reached out and placed it face-down.


	4. Chapter 4

There had been few times in Jane’s life when she felt a profound mix of terror and disgust at the same time. The kind that made it difficult to breathe, her heart to race so fast it felt like it bruised her insides, and the world to melt away into a hazy, hyper-focused nexus of revulsion.

Like back with the Reds, when they doped her with a cocktail of shit that left her physically numb to the world but mentally sharp. The smell of the mattress they put her on, and the body fluids mixed into it, would forever be burned into her nose. As would the pain they left between her legs. On Akuze, she had to crawl beneath the mutilated corpses of her friends and fellow soldiers just to reach the radio that saved her life. During the hunt for Saren, fighting many of Cerberus’s sick experiments had left her with that feeling, as did waking up in a cold unfamiliar medical bay run by the very same organization.

And now, watching Kelly and almost every other member of her crew shriek and wail behind the walls of tiny confining pods, Jane felt it again.

“Get them out of there! Now!” Shepard ordered as she slammed the butt of her rifle against the pod that trapped Yeoman Chambers. To her left and right, Thane and Garrus did the same for Doctor Chakwas and Ensign Zhao. Inside the horrific devices, Jane could see the first sprays of whatever horrible chemical had killed the colonists in the other pods. As Kelly screamed in agony and fear, parts of her uniform curled with smoke and deep red welts appeared on her hands and cheeks.

The pods were not built to be interfered with from the outside, and they crumbled under the assault from her team. It just took a few hits from her gun to destroy the bio-mechanical lock, and others like Grunt and Jack had no problem simply shattering the front mechanisms with their muscles and biotics.

The Normandy victims crumbled out of their pods like marionettes without strings. Their rabid efforts to escape their imprisonment mixed with their shared exhaustion, and they relied on Shepard’s team to get back to their feet. Kelly collapsed into Shepard’s arms the moment the pod opened. A few spurts of the infernal chemical splashed onto her shields as she did so. It sizzled as it dissipated.  She held the other woman as they both sank to the cold deck of the Collector base, Kelly’s knees incapable of holding her body up for the moment. Jane cradled her almost like she did that time in her quarters, holding Kelly close to her even with the barrier of armor and shields between them.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you.” She whispered to the terrified woman as the rest of the crew recovered alongside her. Jane’s team said similar reassuring words to the others. Some even endured shocked embraces of relief and gratitude. Samara had to pull herself back from an engineer who had broken into uncontrollable sobs.

“Jane.” Kelly opened her eyes and her red, acid-burned cheeks broke into a grin. She raised a weak hand to cup the side of the Commander’s face. “You saved me.”

Jane leaned into the warmth of Kelly’s palm and for a moment, she let herself close her eyes and breathe a long sigh of grateful relief. Even in the midst of such a drastic location as the Collector home base.

“Kelly, I…” The Commander regained control as soon as her eyes shot open. She had a job to do here, she had to remain focused. “Can you stand?”

“Yeah. Yeah, help me up.”

The two women stood up as one, Jane shouldering the burden of Kelly’s weight as she stood on weak legs. From behind, Doctor Chakwas staggered up as well and reached a hand to Jane’s back to get her attention.

“Shepard… you came for us.” The often stoic and collected doctor said as if lost in a dreamy haze. Like all the others, her uniform scorched with the last remains of the pod's spray. The foul odor of burning synthetic fibers filled every breath as the crew recovered.

“No one gets left behind.” She said to her old friend, though her focus remained on the woozy person she held onto.

“There were others, Shepard. Colonists. They were… processed. Their bodies were broken down into some kind of liquid and their remains pumped through those tubes.” The Doctor pointed out a large nexus of hollow tubing that covered much of the wall. The way it pulsed and shifted made it look like some sort of living tissue, with a living heartbeat keeping it alive. Had she not seen a thousand other horrors in the last two hours alone, she might have felt repulsed by it. 

“Another few seconds and…” Kelly said in a quiet, timid voice. The way her words cracked as she spoke, and her heavy, fast breathing, tore into Jane’s heart. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“I’m glad you got here before it happened to us.” Chakwas smiled at Shepard.

“So are we. But we still have a job to do.” Miranda interrupted. As the stoic second-in-command stepped forward, Jane felt Kelly’s weight slide off her shoulder. The Yeoman returned to her full height, whether she wanted to or not.

A minute later, Chakwas and Mordin escorted the exhausted and traumatized Normandy crew back to their half-functional vessel. Kelly disappeared among the small crowd, slipping back into her unofficially designated position as counselor for the crew. Her eyes met Jane’s only once as she and the others walked down the corridors they hoped were clear of Collector resistance. Then they were gone.

 

***

 

The _Normandy_ journeyed back to Omega like a wounded soldier crawling toward safety with a broken leg. The ship could only manage a fraction of its normal cruising speed after what it had been through. Any faster, EDI warned, and several vital components were likely to explode and subject the entire crew to sudden decompression, if not total vaporization.

The majority of the crew busied themselves with whatever emergency repairs they could manage with the meager resources left aboard. Gaping holes in the ship’s armor were held at bay by thin energy barriers. Bulkheads had been burnt and warped by the recent fighting. Several doors refused to open or shut properly, forcing many of the crew to move around via the crawlspaces and maintenance hatches. And if Joker were to be believed, two of the main thrusters had gone dark and cold, if not melted off.

The ship was in bad shape, but it held together. As did its crew.

No one left behind.

A suicide mission turned into the most blatantly impossible triumph imaginable. Hell, their monumental victory had been marked by an explosion so powerful and strong, Jane was told that astronomers thirty thousand years in the future would be quite puzzled as light from the galaxy’s core reached conventional telescopes. The fact that this explosion had destroyed the Collector’s home while simultaneously sent a strong ‘fuck you’ to the Illusive Man, had just been the icing on the proverbial cake.

With that act, she freed herself from his clutches, from all of Cerberus. And her entire crew followed. Even Miranda, who began this journey as the physical embodiment of the trap Jane found herself in, had become one of her most valued allies in this decision. Her XO even let out a satisfied laugh when Jane told her of the last conversation she had with their irate former boss over the QEC.

Jane walked down the corridor of her beleaguered ship, nodding with approval at the people who worked to patch its wounds as well as their own. While many seemed no worse for wear after their ordeal, others had the signature look of someone who had seen far too much, and were barely holding together. Jane knew it well. She had worn it as a mask for years after Akuze. She had strong hopes that they would recover, though. With the expert care of Doctor Chakwas and Kelly on board, as well as the promise of the finest physicians money stolen from Cerberus could hire, she knew they’d be okay.

Speaking of Kelly… It had been thirty-six hours since they began the return journey from the shattered Collector ruins. In that time, they had not sent each other their customary messages to their omni-tools. Instead, they both retreated to their duties aboard a crippled vessel, putting survival and first aid above relaxation. Any free time they found themselves with got eaten by other duties almost as soon as they turned around. Or sleep. 

Shepard reached the end of the corridor and entered the ship’s lift. Its mechanisms groaned and shuddered as they pulled upward against artificial gravity. The strong vibrations beneath her feet made Jane paranoid that the thing would collapse at any moment, but EDI assured her that it would not. She somehow had a hard time believing an unshackled AI that had recently learned to tell jokes.

 The loud lift reached the CIC and retracted its door in slow motion, as most every door did. Jane contorted herself to exit faster, and made a quick step toward her terminal. Kelly was at her station, like she always tried to be. Jane spared a glance over the yeoman’s shoulder to see her drafting a message to someone. Perhaps a confidential text-based chat with a crewmember. On such a small vessel, those kinds of things often ensured the most privacy. Jane knew it all too well.

Jane’s pile of messages on her commander’s terminal had been cut by a large fraction. After cutting ties with Cerberus, EDI took on the duty of vetting every incoming communication to ensure it had not been sent from malicious Cerberus sources or other nefarious senders. The resulted in a massive drop-off in spam, the empty platitudes from people trying to extort something from her, and the constant update of banal Cerberus activities throughout the galaxy. These days, her terminal received in-ship communications more than anything. Status reports from the department heads and other logs automatically generated by the computer. The senders were either official Cerberus accounts, or the random string of numbers that signified a computer-generated update.

Today was the first day her terminal, not her omni-tool, received a message from “KellyGrrl”.

_Jane, I really need to see you tonight. Your cabin. Please call me up as soon as you have moment._

_Love, Kelly_

For a moment, Jane felt the blood drain from her face. Her gaze drifted to her side, where Kelly remained vigilant at her station, typing like mad at whatever work kept her occupied. The Yeoman’s countenance betrayed nothing, just pure concentration.

Jane looked back down. Her hands raised like they had done countless times before, intent on typing a response on the holographic keyboard. Something, _anything._   But they lowered. No, she shouldn’t. At least not on her work terminal.

Those two words not only returned all of the color to her cheeks, but they made her skin flush almost the same deep red as her hair. But at the same time, her stomach dropped into her feet. Her mind raced with all of the nice little things they sent to each other, their chats in the CIC between missions, that moment in her quarters. The way her heart pounded as she ripped Kelly from that damned pod…

She read it again: _Love, Kelly._

She did. Right? That’s what people thought about when they loved someone. After all, she had one very solid point of reference that proved it. A very blue point of comparison that had once consumed the very same thoughts and feelings in her head. A blue comparison that, by the way, had deigned it important to ignore all contact with her and cast Jane Shepard aside like yesterday’s refuse. Or two-year’s-past refuse, as it were. That God-damned message she got just before the Collector base was too little, too late. The mere thought made her blood boil and her lips curl into a sneer.

Jane forced herself to stop. She counted down from ten and breathed long, deep breaths. Over time, her heart slowed and her lips unfurled into a neutral line. Once it passed, she opened the next message as if nothing of import had been sent at all.

But when the felt sure no passing crewman would overhear, Jane said with her usual calm voice.

“You’re welcome any time, Kelly.”

Though Yeoman Chambers remained hard at work at her station, Jane could see the woman’s cheeks blush and the smile on her lips from a mere side-eyed glance.

 

***

 

The instant Jane’s cabin door opened, Kelly flung herself forward and pulled Jane close. Her embrace felt like she had become a post in the middle of a flood, and Kelly clung to her lest she be swept away. The Yeoman’s head rested on her shoulder, and Jane could feel the slow growth of warm wetness on her uniform. A hurricane of tears.  

Jane raised her hands to Kelly’s back and returned the hug. She felt her hands move up and down the woman’s back as she did so, providing warmth and comfort as best as she could.

“It’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.” Jane said in slow, reassuring tones.

“I’m trying to hold it together.” Chambers whispered into the fabric of Shepard’s shirt. “But it’s so difficult sometimes. Every time I try to sleep, I’m back there. Trapped. Suffocating. It’s oozing into every pore. I can still hear myself… echoing… so confined…” She cut off as a new burst of sobs and choked breathing overtook her words.

 “Hey. You’re not there anymore. You’re safe now.” Jane said as one of her hands moved up to cradle the back of Kelly’s head. She closed her eyes at the sensation of rubbing her fingers through the soft, warm strands of human hair. She had to consciously remind herself to not compare it to the ridges and bumps of an Asari crest.

Kelly continued to hold her as if her life depended on it, though the strength of her arms lessened. “I know. I do. I just… I need to stop dwelling on it. You’d think after I’ve told the entire crew the same thing a thousand times that I could do it myself. But I can’t.”

“We’ll be docked on Omega soon. By then we’ll be able to patch into an FTL comm and get you some help from home.”

“I know. Thank you, Commander.”

Jane’s head reared back. Kelly seemed oblivious to the change in appellation, however. Maybe it was just the way she made her last sentence sound like an order, like she was still in the CIC barking directions at everyone.

They stood there, locked against one another, until a thin sheen of sweat formed on Jane’s stomach despite the ship’s frigid air making her shiver everywhere else. Her elbows and shoulders also gave the telltale signs of aching deep within the joints, begging her to let Kelly go.

“Hey, come on. Let’s sit down.” Shepard urged.

Kelly said nothing, she just nodded her head and let Jane escort her deeper into the cabin, past the couches, and onto the bed. They sat side by side at the bed’s foot, knees touching as they faced each other. During the journey, Jane’s hand had moved from Kelly’s hair to entwining between her fingers.

“I don’t have anyone else I can vent like this to.” Chambers said with a self-deprecating laugh that ended as she sucked in a breath full of moisture. “I’ll be okay, I know I will. I’ll be the old Kelly before you know it.”

“You don’t have to be anybody you don’t want to be,” Jane said, and then mentally kicked herself for saying something so over-the-top cheesy.

That got Kelly to laugh, which caused the Commander to yet again rear back.

“Oh my god.” Kelly seemed lost in a mix of flowing waterworks and an onset of an uncontrollable giggling fit. “Did you really just say that?”

“I’m the commander, I can say whatever I want.” Jane teased.

“Oh, laughing hurts.” Kelly said as another round hit her. “I didn’t think laughing could hurt.”

“Hurting just means you’re alive.”

Kelly looked up at Jane, both sets of green eyes dazzling under the starlight window. “Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?” She paused. “I’m alive. Thanks to you.”

She wouldn’t have been here to do this for Kelly without Liara’s help. It had been the Asari from the beginning, who brought Jane to Cerberus and waited two years for her faith to be rewarded.

But Liara wasn’t here. She hadn’t been for a long time.

Stop thinking about her. The past was gone. Dead, just like Jane had been.

Kelly was here, and alive. Just like Jane was now.

Jane leaned forward at the same time Kelly did, and their lips met in the middle.

The rest of the crew had spent much of the previous days enjoying a weary celebration among the repair efforts. Popped bottles of wine that had not been shattered during the fight. Lax discipline or uniform standards. And a few reports of crewmembers being caught in the lounges doing exactly what Jane and Kelly were doing now. Shepard had not ordered a stop to any of it. They needed this after so many months of strife and terror. Very soon, they would return to familiar territory, and the real work of fixing their ship, their home, would begin.

For now, it was the Commander’s turn to celebrate a victory well earned.

It was there, among the touseled sheets, warm skin, and fingers caressing everywhere she longed to be touched again, Jane’s eyes closed and she lost herself to the moment. She had not felt this way in so long, and the release was everything she wished it to be. 

It reminded her of that night before Illos...

“Liara.” She whispered.

**Author's Note:**

> Like almost every single one of my works on this site, the title is from song lyrics. [It should be rather obvious which song I'm referencing.](https://youtu.be/8_5U0M9ErGA)


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